when you hurt, i hurt.

I didn't know how to explain it to him, I didn't really have the words. Oh I attempted, with words interrupted by a growing Kleenex pile. He didn't understand why my having to RSVP regrets to an invitation caused this, but He didn't need the explanation, he said, it was just enough to know that I was hurting. I made the decision to move home from GVSU a year and a half ago. Based on excuses of no social life and no church, I thought I made a pretty strong case. What I neglected to piece into that equation was the consequences, and oh yeah, God's will? I was stubborn, impatient. While I said the words I was following His path, my actions and my heart were running the other way. My perfectly worded reasons? Gone. Hated the area? Now I long to be there as I drive by. No social life? My heart desperately misses the people there, I just never gave it a chance. No church? I rave about the church I attended there and encourage everyone to try it.

I love my life now, don't get me wrong, but there are many fleeting moments in which I wonder what would have happened if I had been patient and waited a few things out. I forever impacted a few close friendships which I know my heart will never recover from, as indicated from my emotions tonight. I have no doubt though, that the Lord worked things out for His purpose, even as I ran every which way from the actual path He placed me on. I know my steps will not always be straight, but my path will most certainly be. That unshakable confidence is what will keep me walking.

human

I far too often forget that I am only human. Then there are days like yesterday where it smacks me in the face.

fact I fail too often to fully give credit to God for the things I succeed at.

In conversation with a friend yesterday he asked me why so many Christians so easily shrug of their mistakes by saying they are only human, but fail to say "I'm only human" when they do something extraordinary. Talk about a reality check, from someone who refuses to step foot in a church.

To Go or not To Go

So I am 97% finished with my application for Hume Lake.
(A camp out in California). After this summer I decided I want to do
something with a purpose next summer.
Pro: Getting to hang out and share God's love with a TON of kids.
Con: Having to get my diploma a semester late.

If I stay home next summer I would be able to take a summer class and hopefully complete an internship. Then I would graduate right on time. If I go away, I would have to take a summer class after walking next year. Before I can click that send button on the application I have a lot of praying and listening to do.

family

My uncle is not a man who shows his affection very much. He is a war veteran, perhaps a touch hardened by all he has seen. He carries the mindset that the women are to do all the work. Telling me numerous times to “run along and go help the other women.” He is not afraid to speak his mind, and does so whenever he is led. Either a comparison comment to a raccoon during my junior high years in regards to my makeup, or a criticism of my major of choice in college, he always has something. Growing up I dreaded it, and indeed I do still dread it now. This weekend my uncle came to dinner wearing a Grand Valley t-shirt I had given him a previous Christmas. Without a word, my uncle conveyed to me that he does care. His hard-hitting comments may sting, but underneath it he cares.

How wonderful is our God that we have no need to search for his signs of affection? Whether it be in the sunrises and sunsets he orchestrates each day, or in something else that touches our heart, we don’t have to search very far. God did not have to create this beautiful world for us, he didn’t have to give us varying seasons or settings. But He loved us enough to do it. He desires to make us happy. I know that I, for one, do not stop and consider this often. I am admittedly quick to complain when plans don’t quite go my way. I wonder what new perspective I could be given on life if I stopped to view everything through the eyes of a Creator who made all of this, every last detail, for me? I remember the feeling at five years old, after having spent countless minutes in school fashioning a Christmas present for my mom. I examined every detail of her reaction when my creation was finally presented to her. Oh how my heart would have been crushed if she tossed it aside with a quick thank you, without true recognition of all the work I had put into it. Colors made just for her, a treasure I was sure she would place in the most important of spots. How often do I look at everything God has created and given to me and not give it a second thought? I toss aside His perfectly made creation. How many times greater is His work then the small tokens I presented to my mother? He yearns for us to accept His love. He desires to walk closely with us. How can I measure the feeling I must cause in His heart when I chose otherwise?